Comedy · Nonfiction

Heavy Metal Goats

Beer! Weed! Goats! Heavy metal! Throw up the horns! Let your presence be known! Why am I screaming?! Okay, the first two words are some activities going on at the concert…I had no involvement with that whatsoever. It was Metallica and it was a deafening experience. No, I’m serious…pretty deafening.

It was 2008 and Metallica had made their huge comeback to their heavy roots, because some die-hard fans were getting tired of their lighter material, such as Load and St. Anger. I personally like their lighter material; every band tries to experiment with some kind of new sound. Metallica released their new album at the time, Death Magnetic, and they were on tour promoting it.

The concert was in Nashville and I was going with my friend. My friend liked Metallica, but he wasn’t as excited as I was. We arrived in Nashville and there were folks on the city sidewalks trying to sell fake Metallica merchandise. I mean, it was cheap, but we didn’t want to get gipped. Hell, we already spent enough cash on the tickets.

When we arrived at the venue, we learned that Metallica would have two opening acts. The opening act I can’t remember at all. I just remember that they didn’t play long and all of their merchandise had a huge goat head on it.

I did know who the second act was. It was Lamb of God. They were in the death metal genre. I’ve always classified that genre as a genre that has heavy-ass riffs and the lead singer sounds like a monstrous goat. I mean, it’s hard to understand what they’re saying sometimes. I’m not trying to bash it…okay, I am a little. Why does the metal genre love goats?

Before Lamb of God came on, we hit the restroom. The stalls were all closed, so if you wanted to pee, you had to stand at a huge tub with other dudes. It’s already bad enough that I have to urinate and worry about guys looking at my junk, but then here comes Lamb of God fan. Lamb of God fan really loved his band and was drunker than hell. He walked up right beside me, when there was space for him to have privacy. No sir, he’s gonna take a piss right beside me. He looks at me with bloodshot eyes and says:

“Fucking Lamb of God, man! Are you excited?”

Me being the introvert that I am, I responded quietly.

“Yeah…wooo”

Although I don’t like the sound of death metal bands, Lamb of God did have an entertaining set. After they played, we were notified that Metallica was about to come on. All of their techs came out to see if their equipment worked and sounded to the Metallica standard. I knew it was loud, but the techs must have pumped up the volume for Metallica. The drum tech hit the bass pedal on the drum set and immediately the sound wave hit my chest. I thought to myself, “Holy shit…I may die due to volume. Who in the fuck dies from that?”

Metallica came on and, of course, they delivered. The part that I remember the most is when they played “Creeping Death”.  For those of you who don’t know about that song, there’s a part where they chant “Die!” in the bridge. When it came, everyone in the building was chanting “Die!” at the top of their lungs, including me. I thought to myself again, “This is the most metal thing ever! Shouldn’t we be sacrificing a goat right now? Aw, man, I’m going to burn in hell.”

After the concert, I literally couldn’t hear shit. I couldn’t hear what my friend said. I had to read his lips to understand what he was telling me. I was scared that I may never hear again.

We went back to school on a Wednesday. The concert was on a Monday, but we said we were deaf and fuck school for Tuesday. That Wednesday, I still couldn’t hear my teachers that well. I just felt like Charlie Brown and all I heard was, “Wah, wah, wah, wah.” My hearing did eventually get better and I made a full recovery. I still want to know why goats are so fucking special though.

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