Comedy · Horror · Movies · Rants

Jason vs. The Wild

The other night I decided to watch one of the several Friday the 13th movies there are. It was part five: the supposedly final chapter. I thought to myself why are there so many of these movies. I understand that the franchise has a huge fan base and a popular villain, but almost every movie has had the same premise. It’s just a bunch of dumbass teenagers, who come looking to have a good time at Camp Crystal Lake, but realistically if all of that murdering was happening, no one would ever return. I mean, clearly they’re all dumb. There’s a scene in the one I watched where Tommy (Corey Feldman) was looking at newspaper clippings of the murders that had happened in the area. Apparently no one in the realm of the Friday the 13th franchise believes in watching the news or reading the newspaper. I mean, I guess all of the teenagers think Jason is dead or it’s just a rumor that he stalks the camp grounds, but Tommy had more than one article on the killing from various different newspapers. Clearly, the kids are smarter than the adults…just like South Park.

The Friday the 13th franchise has made a good amount of money. I mean, if they hadn’t, then there would not be the numerous amount of sequels. I guess folks love watching dumbass teenagers get hacked and slashed. I do respect the later Friday the 13th films that tried to take Jason out of his home. I mean, the eighth film took Jason to New York. It’s not a great film, but it was kind of cool to see Jason stalking the streets of New York, instead of the same old woods. The tenth film, Jason X, took Jason into outer space and added some sci-fi elements to the franchise, though at the end, they end up back at the lake. At least these films tried to give the franchise something fresh, something new, but maybe for this franchise, home is where it does its best work. Maybe the Old Cajun Man (Blake Clark) from Joe Dirt was right when he said: “Home is where you make it.” Maybe home is where you need to make it.

Well, maybe the folks of the franchise should keep it at home, but just change the formula. Maybe instead of hunting meddling kids, he could hunt wild animals…like bears. It would be interesting to watch Voorhees take on a gigantic-ass grizzly bear. Maybe the bear could kick his ass, rip his head off, and punt it in the lake. Woah…I just got violent there and fans probably wouldn’t like that because the end of the franchise would come abruptly. In all honesty, I think a grizzly could take Voorhees easily. Then the die-hard fans would be like, “He’s got a machete, though.” That bear would smack that out of his hands and show him what real wrestling is all about. I guarantee you that the bear is no dumbass teenager.

Okay, yeah, my formula wouldn’t work. Then let’s show Jason killing animals and surviving the wild. He’s pretty good with an axe, a machete, a tomahawk, a chainsaw, a window…okay, he’s good with pretty much everything. He could finally achieve peace in his life, since there are no dumbass teenagers running rampant on his home. Hell, let’s have him walk out on one of the piers and finally see him embrace the sun for the first time. Hell, let’s play “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed while it happens. Hell, let me direct a Friday the 13th movie for once and maybe it won’t be all about revenge. Hell, none of my ideas would come to fruition. Then I guess…dumbass teenagers will continue to be slaughtered.


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