Comedy · Nonfiction

Ben Rogen

Let me tell you a story about Ben Rogen. Okay, that’s not actually his real name. His first name is actually Ben, but Rogen isn’t his last name. It’s something else, but I’m going with Rogen, because he looked like Seth Rogen.

Ben Rogen used to work with me at my job. Ben Rogen was an odd feller, who was strange to people and who shared these weird, crazy-ass stories. The acts he did or the stories that he shared while there would make for an interesting movie or television show. Seriously…he did stuff so wild that it’s hard to make it up. He asked a girl–that he only knew for a week–to marry him in front of folks trying to persuade people to adopt pets. He tried to pioneer his own music genre, which was a fusion of country and opera. He made out with a Vietnamese girl, while on the clock, when he should have been working. Once again, I reiterate–I can’t make this crap up, but what’s even crazier than his deeds, are his elaborate stories.

Ben Rogen–I’m sorry, but I’m cracking up reminiscing about this crazy-ass Seth Rogen look alike. His stories were absurd tall tales about him usually whipping someone’s ass. But his stories were so out there, that your b.s. radar would immediately go off in your head. He told the stories with such conviction though, that you could think that they were believable. I’m going to share two of his elaborate stories.

Rogen claimed to be a former member of the Chinese Triad. Yes, a white man in the Chinese Triad. But that’s not what’s interesting–what’s interesting is how he got into the gang. He claimed that he got into a fight with 22 Chinese Triad members as a young child and defeated them all in eight seconds flat…what the hell? The Chinese Triad would own Rogen, especially if he was a child, unless he was Ralph Macchio or Bruce Lee. Okay, the Triad would take out Macchio, but Lee…Lee would be trouble for the Triad. Even if Rogen was a badass and could defeat the Triad in a fight, it would more than likely take him longer than eight seconds to kick so much ass.

The last story is his Waffle House debacle. Rogen said that he used to be a former employee and cook at Waffle House, where he got in a fight with a rude man. He claimed that a man approached him from the counter, while he was making someone’s breakfast. He said that he flipped a pancake, hopped over the counter while the pancake was in mid-flight, and knocked the dude out with a roundhouse kick. He said he did it so fast that he was able to jump back over the counter and catch the pancake in his pan. The fuck? Are you Barry Allen and Bruce Lee combined? No one can react that quickly. I know for sure that if I tried that the pancake would have hit the floor or I would have fell trying to come across the counter at a lightning-like speed. What about the customers? I guess it’s normal to see a random ass-whipping be handed out every week at the Waffle House.

I think it would be a good idea to get Rogen to make a movie on his random stories. I think it would be interesting to watch. I mean, the movie would be cheesy and absurd, but who doesn’t like a good, odd movie every once in a while. I don’t think any of us really miss Rogen, but we do miss his stories. Good luck to you, Ben Rogen, I think you’ll need it.

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